she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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