I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize