Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
