There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I wish there were birth control emojis
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
