theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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