The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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