Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
