Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
