I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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