you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
