Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
