I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
