i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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