New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
