I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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