The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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