I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
