And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
