I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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