you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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