Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
