Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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