Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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