I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
