I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
