If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize