Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
