I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
