wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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