vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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