My liver just broke up with me...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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