I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize