I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
