so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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