I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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