whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
