I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize