The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
