I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
