I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize