what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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