Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
