I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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