my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like death gave me a hand job
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
