I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
His nipple licking is glorious
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