dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
