ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
