Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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