That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
