God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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