I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
