its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
