Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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