if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
