Your face is a jimmy john
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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