My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
