my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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