Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
