I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
