did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
