I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
