Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
